They tell me to reach out
I know, but I can’t move
My head is full doubt
The voice I hear approves
Of the girl smarter than me,
Of the boy living his dreams.
The voice of the pitiful creature I see
In the mirror, she looks back at me.
Why is she not happy with the world and all its wonder?
Why is my company not enough?
Why is she pulling me
Under the surface, into the rough?
She tells me when I’m lonely.
‘Insignificant’, she likes to say.
Loud sometimes. Sometimes slowly.
It doesn’t matter, I’ll believe her anyway.
She stays up with me in the night,
Reminds me of where I went wrong.
She will never tell me I was right.
She says she knew all along,
She knew I was meant to fail
To be nothing, to be ordinary
To mean nothing, to never prevail
To be scared, to be cautionary.
She and I have spent time together
I have realised things I didn’t know before.
My weaknesses make her better
Her strength comes from my lowest lows.
She is frail on my good days
She visits more often than before,
She is outspoken in the worst ways.
I hope for days she won’t bother me anymore.
Originally published in the Kopi Collective curated section of the Young Feminist Network Newsletter December issue.